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Thursday, April 20, 2017

Hi, I'm Rebecca and I'm a Perfectionist

One of the things I've done as I've been working on my writing, is try to learn more about how my personality affects my writing. I've done a lot of research in this area but the one thing that has helped me the most is to learn my Enneagram type. (To take the test for yourself, visit http://www.exploreyourtype.com/details.)

So, I'm an Enneagram Type 1. Type 1 is called The Perfectionist. Those of you who know me well are probably not shocked by this revelation at all. :) I wasn't actually shocked by my type, but I when I started to read about Type 1s, I couldn't help but think, "Get out of my brain writer of these descriptions. You know me too well and it makes me uncomfortable!" It's always fun to find out your strengths, it's not so fun to learn how your weaknesses affect your work and others around you. And, giving that I'm a perfectionist, it's even harder to admit that I'm not actually perfect.

The wonderful aspects of being a perfectionist is that perfectionists are responsible, improvement-oriented and self-controlled. But, negatively we can be critical, resentful and self-judging. The biggest ouch is having to admit that down in my core I struggle with the incorrect belief that I have to be good and right to be deemed worthy.

In some ways I already knew this about myself as much of the book I am writing is about this struggle, but as I dig deeper into this aspect of my personality I continue to be struck by the fact that this is an ongoing struggle. It doesn't only affect my relationships with others, or my writing, but it also affects my relationship with God.

Mentally, I know that my relationship with God is only dependent on His love for me and His grace that covers all. But, in my heart, I constantly believe the lie that I am not worthy of His love unless I do XYZ. When I look in the mirror, I often only see the failures and if I don't, on a daily basis, preach to my own soul that I am worth it, that I am loved and that I don't have to strive to measure up to be wanted by God; I will get stuck on the hamster wheel of constant striving. And, man does that wheel get exhausting.

Actually, I should probably get Psalm 139 tattooed on my forehead (not really, but metaphorically).

Psalm 139:13-16

[13] For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
[14] I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
[15] My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
[16] Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them. (ESV)

They say that the first step to healing is admission. So, here goes- Hi, I'm Rebecca and I'm a Perfectionist.




Some days you're tired of trying to measure up
You see a girl whose not enough
When you look in the mirror
Some nights all you wanna do is hide
'Cause every time you look inside
You're face to face with failure
But you are loved, oh,
Not because of what you've done, no,
Even when your heart has run the other way
Nothing's gonna change His love
And you are wanted
Not because you are perfect
I know that you don't think you're worth that kind of grace
But look into His face you'll know
That you are loved, oh

Read more:  Ellie Holcomb - You Are Loved Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

2 comments:

  1. I totally hear you, Rebecca! I don't know what I am on the Enneagram, but I definitely have perfectionist tendencies! So grateful for God's grace... and Psalm 139 is my "go to" for sure! Stopping by from Hope*Writers!

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